so my best friend since birth is super christan and is seemingly ok with me being queer but every time something gay comes up she gets all awkward and doesn’t say anything and it’s so difficult to be around.

i don’t want to be around people who only accept certain parts of me.

i went to a day treatment program when i was thirteen and i met a guy who was like seventeen and he was constantly flirting with me and at the time i kind of liked the attention. but a bit after i lost contact with him i realised how creepy he was being with me and now years later he still had my phone number (fml) and he recently got in contact with me and now he keeps trying to get plans to see me and i’m so fucking skeeved out.

like there was this one moment when we were on break and he and another older guy were checking me out and i think they finally asked me how old i was and i said only thirteen and they were like “WHAT?!” but continued to flirt and check me out.

can men just not.

i think what really fucking gets me about the loss of the friendship i had with the girl i was in love with isn’t that she was toxic and incredibly fucking shitty towards me during the end, was that it happened just before my rape. like literally a matter of days before.

a quick background on me as a friend: i’m fiercely loyal and generally have only one best friend at a time. i have a few other friends, sure, but usually only one person i’m there for hell or high water.

so, as is usually the case, i had one best friend. i was in love with her. there were really cruel rumours about me going around and she fed into them and stopped being my friend because of them. she didn’t even hear my side of the story. so, i had people saying these things about me that were just devastating and i had literally no one on my side.

i turned to these boys i didn’t even really LIKE (sans one) to hang out with because i needed a friend. i needed to get my mind off the loss of the my best friend/girl i loved and how fucking horrible everyone at school was being to me. and i was raped.

now, i had to go through the whole experience of dealing with the aftermath of that ALL ALONE. i had a few loose friends but no one i trusted enough to tell. i didn’t tell anybody or get help for three fucking years. i had to suffer silently.

the one time in my life i could have really used a friend and she wasn’t there. i just get so angry that i ever loved her- angry part of me still loves her.

i deserved so much better.

yesterday in group we were talking about traumatic experiences and stuff and i didn’t tell them anything but my rape was on my mind all day. i started crying in the back when second period started and one of the youth workers took me inside the school and calmed me down. but my mind was still on it and third period i was fucking crying again. and they just kind of let me be until the start of last period when i actually had a full fledged panic attack when the rest of the class was on break.  

anyways i took today off bc i was embarrassed 


i honestly just need someone to come into my life that really genuinely cares about me and wants to sit and have long conversations about things that actually matter and wants to go on adventures late at night and wants to be there for me at my lowest points and celebrate with me at my highest points and just be the rock that keeps me going when life gets rough 

there’s a girl i like in my class who i really relate to and she’s so nice. she was texting me on friday night. i said i was stressed out and she said “i hope you feel like you can trust me if you need to talk! i know it’s hard, but i AM here, okay?” and oh my god that’s the first time someone my age who understands what i’m going through actually cared enough to ask. so i was kind of venting to her and she told me it would get better and if it didn’t i had her and it was just such a change from what i’m used to. god, i need better friends.